Extra Evil - Magic Tricks

Today's Fortune: You've always loved the castle.

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Newsreel

Great America doesn’t need steel or food or naptime.

The Gaza truce coughed in every scene.

Eric Adams made cockroaches proud.

Vance tapped his reserve dignity.

Drake may have lost that feud.

DOGE uncovered shocking fraud by Paypal alumni.

A Photo

Nine-tenths of the law. From Uluwatu temple, where the people are there for the monkeys’ amusement.

War Journal

I’m on a roll or losing my mind.

My soapboxes feel more fun this week. I’ve almost got the post-meteor pH down. While my body’s pH is off, I see a net win. Everyone gets traveler’s stomach eventually. Mine came with a reminder that I’m mostly entertaining myself. If I sound like an insane android outside the newsletter, that’s the reason. Rat races are for rats.

But really, the sick bed’s given me some reflecting time. And much more rarely, reorg time. If all this starts looking different, or bails SubStack’s quizling era entirely, bacteria deserve most of the credit. It shouldn’t require any input on your end, you’ll just wake up feeling cooler.

The rest of the trip? Quality. Forget that wailing about my organs: I’d find a way to poison myself in Eden. And did.

“How can our golden arrows of satire strike power?”

They generally don’t. Wrong order of operations. That’s like asking therapy to save Batman’s parents.

“Dude, come on.”

Alright, try this.

The fossil doesn’t care about your jokes. The judges don’t care about your jokes. Even 2 Veep 2 Furious doesn’t care. The diamond miner doesn’t—

Hmm.

Well, shit. Elon cares about your jokes. Too much. It’s fucking pathological. I can’t explain it for the life of me.

You can cyberbully Elon to death.

Just you. Personally. It is 100% within your reach, skill, and free time.

I don’t get it either. If I were the 200th richest lunatic, mortal opinions would be a memory. But the first needs your love, and holds onto LIGMA jokes for decades.

Call it an investment. When his sanity meter taps out—and yes, that hasn’t hit yet—take credit. Have fun with it. The mind is its own place. In this case, Pompeii.

Another pop “abracadabra” chorus. Odd.

Sometimes I listen to not-metal. Eminem’s last album evoked that old Pitchfork review of Jet (don’t look it up at work: they simply linked a video of a monkey urinating into its own mouth). But I liked the lead single’s concept. “Here’s one more magic trick.” Back to business. A personal revival.

For today’s point, let’s pretend the record lived up to that. Only one collapse later, Lady Gaga has “Abracadabra,” a style/presentation/everything flashback. It speaks to me.

Reset-as-sleight of hand. Twice in a row! Just one short of enemy action, and I think there’s a Dua Lipa track.

My flighty brain latched onto that overlap. A mulligan, into an offensive. Summoning yourself, like it was your first time trying. Would you believe I’ve felt slow lately?

I’d like that trick.

Can I do that? Or anyone? Is it even worth trying? My brain/heart/soul/checking account/brain/future feel dead.

Alakazam.

The Present

• How to Dodge a Cannonball makes you a better lover. [My Next Book]

• My best friend Eric is safe. [Exclusive Evil]

• I can’t quit PETA games. [1900HOTDOG]

• All of these happened two days later. [The New Yorker]

• Okay, diving into Tenacity tonight. [Weeaboo Hell]

• Everything Abridged still hits. [My Previous Book]

The Past

Since the Ethicist is still flailing, my old parody again.

The Future

When my plane lands and my throat revives, I’ll record the first bit of that new idea. 17th for the plane, question mark for my body.

Not Brought to You By

PSA time. My Physical Culture addiction endures, it just includes this twelve-ton-hammer:

Think: this is from 1948. Dresden pilots still smelled like charcoal, and FDR’s death is still slightly fresh. Like any online comedian, I have a soft spot for frenzied drug PSAs. “Cigarettes murk you” is simple and true, yet we find new ways to overplay that hand every decade.

Creativity: B | Persuasion: D | Sanity: F

One Sentence Reviews

Creation of the Gods 2: Exposition about exposition about exposition. (2/5)

Bali Belly: Memorable. (0/5)

Fancy Mechanical Penicls: Game-changer. (4/5)

Easy Question

Harder Question

Signing off

Thanks for reading Extra Evil, the newsletter eating dangerously. Share it to take antibiotics.