Extra Evil - The Comeback Returns Again
Today’s Fortune: Your best laid plans need work.
Ohtani’s pitching beat six national GDPs.
The White House traded blank checks for IOUs.
Texas appointed a fetus to the Supreme Court.
Armenia and Azerbaijan approached something called a “peace deal.”
Career-savvy deans rallied behind starvation.
Giant abandoned goldfish did their best kaiju impression.
Grumbling’s tradition, but I still love spectating SantaCon. It’s a rare flavor. How often do hordes of matching drunks storm your city, without you losing a medieval war? That’s magical. There should be a holiday afterwards.
My hard drive’s indefensible. After collecting insane ads for the newsletter, insane propaganda for the column, and bonus madness for my own entertainment, I have to accept any arrest that follows. If I find an NSA agent in the kitchen, I’ll make lunch for two. The guy works hard.
Material used to be harder to find. I could blame the gyre widening (and do), or praise archivists as the backbone of the internet (they are). But they’re overshadowed by the abyss staring back in HD. I am definitely closer to a Batman villain than I began 2023.
Hopefully one of the tragic villains, where Bruce only breaks one arm. Give me the Mr. Freeze treatment over Scarecrow traction any day.
I’m living a lie. I almost feel guilty, despite years of training. The “One Sentence Reviews” make me look much nicer than I am. I just drop most media I hate before I can fairly review it. For the best, really. The internet isn’t short on acid.
I’m sure I’ll spoil Godzilla Minus One while gushing. So be ready for that.
Godzilla Minus One is a home run. The career-defining kind a kid almost catches, but an adult above intercepts. It deserves to race The Boy and the Heron for foreign box office records, and the kaiju dork in me hopes it wins. Which is all of me.
Achieving that with the original-flavor omnicidal Godzilla is hilarious. Godzilla’s saved the celluloid Earth more times than Superman, and has a cartoony crossover with Kong in a week. The next time I hear Godzilla’s theme song, I’ll still imagine him tap-dancing on an orphanage.
By popular demand: Beetleborgs of a Big, Bad variety.
Why, Snoop? Why? Other than, you know, money.
Everything Abridged is a great gift for your friends. Or enemies. Or self.
Fastballs in the pipeline for 1900HOTDOG and The New Yorker. Which is where I tend to show up, but I suppose it’s news that I haven’t fallen off yet. Give it time.
A timely prank is proving difficult. Too much life in the way. Perhaps if I poisoned a few friends…
Not Brought to You By
Modern ads ooze cynicism, so maybe nostalgia has it’s place. Let’s visit a more innocent age.
Note the third biggest problem here.
This is from 1860, so put on your plantation goggles. We have two innocent belles, enjoying Excelsior (RIP Stan Lee) ginger ale. Poised to fly into adventure and/or a local treeline.
They’re flanked by one black vagrant, and a black employee having a panic attack. They also have ginger ale.
Does Excelsior attract rowdy subhumans? Is it a taste shared by the apes? Does it drive them to taint clean bloodlines? That doesn’t sound like a bargain.
Sure, that’s not what Excelsior’s going for. This is an Antebellum “Red Bull Gives You Wings.” But a soda spot shouldn’t be misreadable. Get it together, dead people.
One Sentence Reviews
Godzilla Minus One: The classic great monster movie. (5/5)
Orochi - The Eight Headed Dragon: The prog rock great monster movie. (4.5/5)
The Favourite: The prestige great monster movie. (5/5)
Fern Brady - Power & Chaos: Consistent doubles. (3/5)
HEALTH - Rat Wars: Chugging along. (3.5/5)
The Boy and the Heron: It’d be hilarious if Miyazaki’s last flick sucked. (5/5)
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