Clown vs. Clown, Round 47. Enjoy it.
Laughed? Pass it on. Sneered? Pass that along too. Friendship’s all about shared experience.
Mayor Eric “E-Money” Adams hears you, and has answers. Disappointed answers. The New York Times is a known asset of Estate IV, anarchists against thriving families. Reading, let alone believing, their words is a betrayal. Nonetheless, the mayor values his bond with the people, and is ready to clear the air.
Mayor Adams’s photo of a fallen officer is authentic. Reports of Photoshop by aides are, like New Jersey, a Times fabrication. Estate IV lives to slander the People’s Mayor. There isn’t one elitist copy of Photoshop in City Hall: our systems run GIMP, Blender, and ClipChamp. Moreover, there are no aides. The mayor runs his own office by waking at dawn and avoiding pork.
The following reflects the contents of the mayor’s wallet on July 9th, 2023. An impartial NYPD task force conducted the review, with ethics oversight by Adams Consultations. Director Bernard Adams knows “every trick in Eric’s book,” and stands by the report’s purity. The task force has found the mayor innocent, and the Times spiritually corrupt.
Item ID: Swagger01
Description: A loyalty card to “Fieri’s Tropical Throwdown.”
Notes: The mayor is a man of the people, and enjoys their diversions. Including this Carnival Cruises-exclusive chain. You might see him on your next vacation, escaping it all. You can share a plate, and bond over his work bringing New back to York. Just hold the beef.
Item ID: Presidential01
Description: An American flag pin.
Notes: The mayor is a patriot, like any great public servant. But not patriotic enough to unnerve younger voters. He’s the right amount of patriot, an important trait in other executive roles.
Item ID: Brotherhood01
Description: A photo of the mayor’s dearly departed friend.
Notes: The mayor misses his friend terribly, and only a sociopath would question it. Beyond this original, real photo, the mayor may have requested a spare. Wouldn’t you want to keep as much of your best friend as possible? Even if you had to invent it?
Item ID: Presidential02
Description: The laces of the shoe thrown at President Bush.
Notes: The mayor is revolutionary, just like his party’s youth. But not radical. He is revolutionary non-radical, and you love him. A powerful force. Who knows how far your love could take him?
Item ID: Jokester01
Description: A laminated photo of Boss Tweed.
Notes: The mayor hears your jokes, and has a sense of humor about them. He has never punched a wall, door, or aide after reading “Minstrel Show Boss Tweed” in a magazine. If you hear otherwise, let us know! We’d like to talk to them.
Item ID: Sauve01
Description: An empty Trojan wrapper.
Notes: The mayor keeps busy. Scandalous! You should talk about this, instead of the photo or campaign finance snitches. New York City parties, and its favorite son parties harder. Go party more, and read Estate IV less.
Item ID: Brotherhood02
Description: Another photo of [ROBERT VENABLE].
Notes: The mayor misses [ROBERT VENABLE] so terribly, he keeps duplicates. Officer [ROBERT VENABLE] was first to believe Eric could be borough president, mayor, or something else in 2028. We should all think of [ROBERT VENABLE] from the safety of our homes and voting booths.
Item ID: Enforcer01
Description: An alphabetical list of the mayor’s enemies.
Notes: The mayor can be intense. Intensely normal! Leadership is all about remaining organized, and the mayor doesn’t let important matters slip. Do you want someone that forgets his enemies in charge? You remember de Blasio.
Item ID: Relatable01
Description: A ThinkGeek gift card.
Notes: The mayor can headshot a Tetris. You know
UncCousin Eric can throw down. But isn’t the NYPD the realest game of all? Finally, somewhere to put all that anger!
Item ID: Brotherhood03
Description: A miniature painting of the mayor’s dearly departed friend.
Notes: The mayor is a polymath. Beyond leadership, vision, and swagger, he’s a master of the fine arts. But relatable! His talents are exclusively dedicated to the NYPD’s fallen heroes and still life.
Item ID: Influencer01
Description: Louis Farrakhan’s business card.
Notes: The mayor believes in a united city. That means candlelit dinners with people he may not publicly agree with, save a 1994 election or two. A lesson the far left would do well to observe. His calendar and donations are open.
Item ID: Paper01
Description: A normal amount of money.
Notes: The mayor makes enough to get by. And he wants you to get by too! When donors want a piece of the shelter system, Eric plays ball. Why not join in? There’s always room for one more.
Item ID: Jokester02
Description: A laminated photo of the mayor.
Notes: What, don’t you have one? This is another joke. The mayor loves jokes and himself. You should love yourself, too. This administration takes mental health seriously, and self-esteem is the root. You should print and laminate a normal photo of yourself today.
Item ID: Influencer02
Description: Richard Sackler’s business card.
Notes: The mayor moves and shakes. By networking with wealth creators, he can run the city more like a business. People in businesses get rich. Don’t you want to be rich?
Item ID: Enforcer02
Description: The addresses of the mayor’s enemies.
Notes: This is publicly accessible information. The mayor tracks threats to the city’s security, prosperity, and reelection. He doesn’t know anything your cell phone carrier doesn’t.
Item ID: Swagger02
Description: Two unmarked white pills.
Notes: The mayor gets headaches fighting for you. You don’t have to be grateful, it’s a free country. But you could be consistent. It’s odd that Guiliani held a year-long blizzard, but a black man can’t soften his migraines. Something to reflect on.
Item ID: Brotherhood04
Description: A generation of Robert Venable, via the “Adobe Firefly” AI.
Notes: The mayor’s soul aches. Desperate to see his best and only friend’s face, he’s turned to the latest technology. As the world charges ahead, New York needs leadership familiar with prompt engineering. We can get ahead, or get left behind.
Item ID: Paper02
Description: High-value bills, in multiple currencies.
Notes: The mayor has nothing to justify. You know what this job takes. You know what this is. You know who you voted for.
Item ID: Swagger03
Description: An “Electric Zoo” drink ticket.
Notes: There we go! The mayor’s fun. You like fun, and mayors that embrace it. You don’t like testing our most powerful city’s most powerful man. The NYPD is the 33rd largest army on the planet.
Item ID: Imperial01
Description: A sheet of folded looseleaf, with “MORE” written in red block letters. Repeatedly.
Notes: The mayor is strong, and you are weak. You can follow, and pretend it’s a choice. Or resist, and be crushed beneath the throne. We suggest an offering. No beef, just green.
Enjoyed that? Sharing helps me keep doing it. To that end, I’m trying out hefty bribes for spreading Extra Evil.
Two referrals: A free month (e.g., access to my paid Expensive Evil series).
Four referrals: Two secret articles. Hidden hilarity.
Eight referrals: The Mystery Box. Unknown hilarity.
Thanks for reading! Very down with vegans, by the way. In a few years and degrees, there won’t be an alternative.
Another hilarious hit.
We relate so much to the “interesting” mayoral reign
Adams' War Journal: Nothing to hide.
Gotta read it two more times before I get all the jokes.