I can probably get away with this between semesters. Let’s have some fun.
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From: w.archer@aphelion.edu
To: List—“Faculty Chairs”
Subject: The Current Cluster-Situation
Dear Colleagues,
At first, this looks like my fault. Let’s go deeper.
I currently run Revival, a humble defense of our proper US News ranking. Every university bends statistics, yet Aphelion alone suffered for including dead faculty. An injustice we’ve born with grace: the whistleblower’s even on this list. Hello, Karl.
I’d rather focus on the music department—which still lacks running water—but proudly serve the greater Aphelion community. And I’d welcome your help. Revival’s twin goals are “elevating instruction caliber” and “de-elevating expenses.” More from less. Alchemy, in a word. A pursuit with some ties to mercury poisoning.
Still, I tried. I pitched Project Phoenix: cutting the ten lowest-enrolled classes each week, and paying half their instructors’ remaining wages. The union rejected it, deaf to the benefits of competition. One month of marches and inflatable rats later, our esteemed department chairs—that’s you—signed on. A wonderful show of solidarity in the face of solidarity.
So really, it’s our idea. With our approval, the catalog lost dead weight every Friday.
Project Phoenix worked for one golden semester. Then Julia Nakano, a music adjunct (I’m proud of her, in a way), submitted six odd courses. Namely: Nails vs. Chalkboard: A Sonic Marriage. One Hand Clapping: Experiments in Silence. Terminal Soundscapes: The Ambient World of Memorial Sloan-Kettering. Me Screaming: Me Screaming. Sonic Injustice: The CIA’s Favorite Sleep-Deprivation Tracks. And Dying Whales: A Sampling Adventure. All six were cut in the first week, for half pay.
To be clear: Julia flooded the system with trash and tripled her income.
Others noticed. We now have the worst course catalog this side of Florida.
Take Aesthetics of Royal Incest. The pitch: “Discover classic illustrations of Hapsburg courtship, alongside poems traded by young lovers. After each week’s discussion (three hours), students will craft original work on the bond between aunt and nephew.” Tasteful, compared to the film department’s A Video History of Improvised Explosive Devices. I won’t repeat the description.
The contagion isn’t limited to the arts, or even adjuncts. Organic Chemistry II: No Mercy started the semester with seventy students. Three remain. Based on Matilda’s very public Instagram profile, she’s booked a cruise to San Juan over midterms. I hope you enjoy it, Matilda. Meanwhile, Karl’s new Math lecture is called Prepare Yourselves. There’s no description. Twelve students remain, showing courage that would move anyone but Karl.
Cost-cutting’s proven expensive. Stagnant wages inspire little loyalty and excess creativity. I’m open to any and all suggestions to improve the situation. Even from Karl.
Sincerely,
Prof. W.E. Archer
Chair, Aphelion University Department of Music
Revival Task Force Director
From: w.archer@aphelion.edu
To: List—“Feckless Clowns”
Subject: Remain Calm
Dear Colleagues,
Thanks to your steadfast cooperation, the previous crisis is resolved. Let’s exhale, and take pride in our swift action. Revival is back from the dead.
There’s a new crisis.
We fought greed with greed. Project Double Phoenix scaled pay by course enrollment, restoring sanity. Brilliant, really. We almost had a good week, until Julia pitched Anime Openings: Symphonies of a New Generation. A class that now holds two hundred students in a thirty-chair room. The spillover watches through the windows.
And no, I can’t fire her. Everyone’s looking.
Once again, Julia’s peers followed. Shots and Shakespeare lets students drink whenever a patriarch seeds his own downfall. King Lear put two juniors in the hospital. In African-American Studies, We Forgive You offers punchcards mitigating past, present, and future racial transgressions. And while I was skeptical of Free Money, our economists eagerly spent money to make it. Music still lacks running water.
It’s bedlam. Four physics adjuncts pooled resources for a ten-minute lecture called Boom, with one session on the calendar. The content’s unclear, but they’ve collected permits from the dean, mayor, and Department of Defense. Please remember that we only have one campus, and craters do poorly in US News rankings.
Then again, I’d welcome freedom. I have ears: half of you say I don’t know what I’m doing. Guess what? I don’t. I need someone, anyone to help. Please. Geoscience’s Tracts of Land has over six hundred enrollments, and compensation increases exponentially.
Sincerely,
Willow Archer
Your Colleague and Friend
From: weezy@gmail.com
To: List—“Losers”
Subject: Peace
Dear Colleagues,
I have an offer from Pinnacle College, the new number three university. I’m taking it.
It’s not Aphelion’s current chaos—that’s academia—but the real estate. I can’t afford this island, and still have loans from my undergrad. So my last Aphelion course is Battle Rap: Destroy Your Peers. I’m teaching two hundred eager students tactical slurs. It’s the finest experience of my career.
Good Luck,
Willow
Artist and Educator
You deserve entertainment, I deserve attention. Let’s trade. Consider these bribes:
Two referrals: A free month (e.g., access to my paid Expensive Evil series).
Four referrals: Two secret articles. Hidden hilarity.
Eight referrals: The Mystery Box. Unknown hilarity.
As always, thanks for reading.
"The content’s unclear, but they’ve collected permits from the dean, mayor, and Department of Defense."
High on the fact I mentally unscrambled "unclear" to read "nuclear" here. Did I win?
Dear God this is pitch perfect.
Organic Chemistry II: No Mercy has a special place in my heart. As an undergrad I compared Orgo II to D-Day: thousands of pre-med students left their landing crafts, a handful of future doctors survived.
And the central premise will ring true until the sun burns out: give the monkeys an incentive system, and the monkeys will game the incentive system.