Exclusive Evil - Kareers4Kids
Finally, LinkedIn for kids.
Bonus article, about the fourth craziest thing in the news. If it speaks to you, spread the message. If it doesn’t, ask someone else to translate.
Tired of being babied? Thanks to patriotic governors, young strivers are finally free to achieve. Kareers4Kids can help you earn your next game, meal, or operation. High five!
Life used to be simple. Strivers visited a local mine, smiled, and started their careers. Now there’s miles of red tape, thanks to that old commie Roosevelt. But in cool states, Kareers4Kids connects you to every employer in biking distance.
Here are a few hot jobs to start, personalized with data from your TikTok. Great page! Feel free to follow back.
Sneaker Expert – Nike
Fort Smith, AR
Sneakerheads wanted to design, inspect, and assemble the latest footwear. Production Foundry 39B’s hiring two hundred lucky hypebeasts to live their dream. Team Nike needs fast hands, positive attitudes, and iron wills. Kids that know taste matters, hard work rewards itself, and wearing a wire is entrapment.
Minimum Experience: None.
Compensation: Industry standard.
Teacher (Physical Education) – Divine Light Middle School
Divine Light, a values-focused charter academy, seeks an outgoing athlete to lead classmates in dodgeball and prayer. Duties beyond the classroom include weight room maintenance and coaching. Character is important: a hire coaching their own team may not give themselves special treatment.
Minimum Experience: Two semesters off the bench. No “esports.”
Compensation: Access to faculty lounge, events, and answer keys.
Chimney Aesthetician – Johnson Biochemical
Johnson Biochemical’s pristine chimneys are the envy of the industry, but they’re missing your voice. We seek artistically-minded youths ready to build their creative portfolio. Johnson Biochemical promotes internally, and chimney aestheticians may advance into the advertising, design, or advanced chimney maintenance departments.
Minimum Experience: Two years walking.
Compensation: $10k annual, with benefits.
Teacher (Health) – Divine Light Middle School
Divine Light seeks a Health teacher to join our team. Ideally a natural leader, ready to teach their peers about eating right, staying sober, and safe marital sex. Hires must use anatomically correct terms without giggling or stuttering.
Minimum Experience: Viewed sex scene with parents.
Compensation: Community service credit.
Junior Security Consultant - Constellis Holdings
Ready to make your killstreak real? Want to meet celebrities like Erik Prince, various warlords, and Erik Prince? Put down the controller and pick up a uniform, because Constellis wants you. As a Junior Security Consultant, you’ll see the world while perfecting your headshots. The first step in a lifetime spreading liberty and client satisfaction. Ignore the hecklers: Blackwater is behind us, and a fruitful career is ahead of you.
Minimum Experience: At least two victories in Call of Duty: Warzone.
Compensation: Commission per target eliminated.
Floor Manager – Gretel Meat Processing
Motivated self-starter needed to keep eye on junior staff. Gretel prides itself on high quality at low prices, and that means no phones. The Floor Manager keeps note passing and water breaks from undermining the Gretel brand. Thick skin is a must: managers are regularly called nerds, tattletales, and monsters. Thick skin also reduces workplace incidents.
Minimum Experience: One year as a hall monitor or similar role.
Compensation: Nintendo Switch (used).
Agent – Arkansas Department of Labor
(Little Rock, AR)
Thanks to a resurgent economy, employment is up across diverse ages. Like all progress, this comes with new challenges. Our priority remains defending job creators from exploitation by unscrupulous employees. Steadfast recruits wanted to organize, investigate, and shred emerging cases.
Minimum Experience: Four years in state government.
Compensation: Cool badge.
Principal – Divine Light Middle School
After recent disruptions, Divine Light seeks a business-friendly principal. Professional decorum is a must: candidates put enhancing student careers before performing outrage. Insulting local governors, employers, or job portals is grounds for immediate dismissal. Consider this role extra time to work on homework.
Minimum Experience: Two semesters as club treasurer.
Compensation: $20K annual, spinning office chair.
Ambassador – Kareers4Kids
That’s right, it’s us! We want to reach more young entrepreneurs, and we know you have the “rizz” to help. Between us, this role’s a little safer than the others. And pays in real, non-board game money. Just something to consider.
Minimum Experience: You’re fine.
Thanks for reading! This is your chance to be like Miles Morales, the hip, young, hard-working Spider-Man. He doesn’t let age, Kingpin, or Upton Sinclair stop him from getting it done. Look out for email from our new copywriter Susie. She likes caps lock.
As always, thanks for reading. And violently shoving this in front of willing eyes. If you dig this, I have a full book of satire out in the wild.
"design, inspect, and assemble" has to be the slickest conjunction of job duties I've ever read, and certainly one a former press secretary could appreciate.
That Middle School Principal job looks appealing, though I fear ageism in the hiring process.
Tangentially related: should I gnaw off the hand that feeds us? https://open.substack.com/pub/on/p/wefunder