As promised, here’s my second family riff. It’s another ideal Father’s Day gift. Share it with anyone that gets moody in June.
Listen, Brat
Dear Son,
After Chili’s, I get wanting a break. I said some things. I also screamed, threw, and overturned other things. Fatherhood comes with strong feelings, which come with strong verbs. When you have children, security may drag you out of Tecate Tuesday.
Then there’s the parking lot. You have to admit, I was right about boxing classes. Who knew you still had footwork like that? If you hadn’t quit training—like everything else—you’d be retired by now. You could be judging me from a yacht.
But you don’t listen, so we’re on land. And every bible verse I’ve sent since Chili’s has turned green. You’ve blocked me everywhere but Facebook, which you likely forgot. Now I’m stuck using paper, and I’m not that old-fashioned. Still, I had to respond to your “Note of No Trespass.” After looking that up, I’m baffled.
Am I disowned, or capital-D Disowned?
It’s unclear. I suggest a “soft” estrangement, with room for Father’s Day gifts. A hard estrangement would shatter my heart, along with the family. And it’d be your fault. Remember the core Jamaican values: inclusion, sobriety, and patience. An impulsive reaction to one loud night can have lifetime consequences.
Consider this: after I called your brother a deviant last week, we still split a case of Dragon Gold. And he hits even harder than you. Why burn me over an objective point about your fiancé? I assume she’s pulling strings. They do that.
If I’m wrong, come tell me yourself. Make this a Footnote of Occasional Trespass.
Can we still text? It doesn’t have to be direct. We can stick to the family chat, where your uncles debate Wakanda’s existence. I never understood that: we all know it’s in South Africa. But some people like to fight.
Let’s at least keep sharing Prime. I haven’t finished the lady comedian show yet. Hopefully Midge finally sees sense this season. You should both accept the world as it is, and the team you were born on. Crossovers get you in trouble.
I would’ve never stopped my father from streaming. And he fought dirty.
Have you heard of social death? It’s when judgy infants reject strong personalities. And pretty much the same as real death. Why kill your own father? Are you Hamlet? Or whichever prince killed his father over simple advice? You get the point. Tweeting a private fistfight to the world kills me. And silence kills me again. You should talk, but just to me.
Let’s start small. Are gifs okay? I have gifs about loving my son. I guess you don’t need them.
Remember your college bike? I remember. We picked it out together. How could I forget the light in your eyes, or the Visa charge? I paid three hundred American dollars in a recession, and never asked for anything. Except now. I’m asking you to talk to me. You can spare a gif for a bike martyr. That you killed. Show some respect for the socially dead.
Or we could try Marco Polo. A video walkie-talkie app sounds fun.
It’s admirable, in a way. You’ve threatened to pull this stunt before, but always backed down for a holiday or funeral. Following through shows backbone. I’m impressed. You can stop now.
At least consider Christmas. Talking’s the problem, right? What if we stayed silent, like the year you got engaged? We can do it, that dinner was like a mime’s funeral. An old man shouldn’t cook his own holiday ham. I’d ask your mother, but we don’t talk either. You could just drop a roast off, if that’s better.
One day, I’ll be gone. Then we can’t trade literal or figurative jabs anymore, even if you want to. Why rush? Why leave a retiree to die alone, without knowing which slur crossed the line? Do you want growth, or punishment? Think about the answer, before the family hypertension finds me.
At least dump me in person. I’m your father, not a Hinge match. Why choose one over me? Think of the bike.
In any case, I stand by my words. Your partner’s one of them. They have their lane, and we have ours. Save your heart for your people.
With Love,
Your Father—Now and Forever
P.S. Do you still have the bike? That model goes for a lot these days. Send it over when you get the chance.
Thanks, as always, for reading. The support keeps me going, if not sane. I hope you enjoyed Feelings Week, because I’m sprinting back to time travel and brick jokes after this. Unless you share it. Nothing’s stronger than audience capture.
Dennard, stop stealing my dads messages, lol 😂
Seriously, if my dad texted me, it would be exactly like this
We only box the ones we love.