A bonus article for the real heads. And the fake heads. Anyone with a head.
Laughed? Spread it. Glared? Warn others.
We’re very, very sorry. We intended Rock N’ Report: A Celebration of Ourselves to mark sixty years of maverick letters. Instead, the book’s drawn accusations of myopia, favoritism, and illiteracy. In response, we’re releasing all letters surrounding the interviews in question. Moreover, we’ve invited John to voluntarily resign. We hope these gestures inspire forgiveness, but will settle for pity.
-The Rock N’ Report Editorial Board
Hey J-Money,
I’m honored to work with a true journalist. And, more importantly, a friend. Who knew those were so compatible? We did. That’s what makes us the film on the cream of the crop.
On that note, I’ve read your draft of our interview. Thanks again for being flexible. So many writers take “direct transcript” literally. Direct is an attitude, and transcript is a feeling. As an artist, I want to get them right. Readers deserve virtuoso reality.
I just have a few tweaks. The article’s rock and roll, but I think it could rock harder and roll faster. Let’s pin that feeling.
In the opening, I flubbed your name a few times. My bad. In the creative flow, you can lose little details about little people. Or big people! You’re a big person. We’re equals.
Paragraph Two reads like I dodged your question. Could you slot in something less public-relations-y? I’ll trust your instincts there. People expect candor from the voice of a generation.
Then Paragraph Three has a tangent about our “real masters.” They’re watching, so let’s cut it. Mea culpa. I had a good buzz going.
In Paragraph Four, I confess to a bit of a felony. Snip it. It’s still my word against hers, and I have a microphone. No need for an own goal. The case hasn’t even hit discovery, and my team says it might get thrown out.
The less said about Paragraph Five, the better.
Not to impose, but Paragraph Six is a bit dry. Could you jazz it up? Really dial in my wit. You know I’m faster after my coffee. 2 PM’s a bit early for business, really. Next time, we’ll wait until the good bars open.
My agent read Paragraph Seven, rolled up the printout, and smacked me in the temple. Not sure what’s wrong, but check it over. Personally, I think it’s charming. Slurs are a relative concept, and we explored how language changes. It’s anthropology with flair. We’re modern philosophers.
I’ve included a replacement for Paragraph Eight. Atypical, but we’re mavericks. We know what getting the story takes. I assume getting stories is like touring. You wouldn’t believe my sleep schedule.
Paragraph Nine is excellent. Great work.
Paragraph Ten’s even better. Cut it. The world’s not ready for the truth. We’re mavericks, but we’re not crazy.
The closer’s a nice picture of my songwriting process. But the article already runs long. I’m not saying you have to cut it, but a friend would cut it. Are we friends? I did this because I think we’re friends.
Good stuff! I know that I’m a little more “hands on” than most interviewees. I’m also more famous. Destroying your entire magazine, let alone career, would take negative effort. Though that doesn’t matter for friends, equals, and collaborators.
Yours Truly,
Lance Laser
Lance and the Lasers Frontman
March 17, 1974
P.S VIP tickets to the spring tour are en route.
P.S.S. The guys might confuse you for a roadie. Let it slide, we try to keep the vibe laid-back. And there really is a lot of gear to haul, if you have a minute.
As always, thanks for reading. Your support makes a strange path worthwhile.
The paragraph four to five jump is perfection. Nicely done.