Exclusive Evil - Fun Uses for Your Old Body

More creative corpses.

You deserve a gift for wildfire season. Have some bonus comedy.

If you dig it, entertain a friend. If you don’t, bore a coworker.

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Thanks for supporting Karma Bespoke Renewal. Our check-ins help clients enjoy their latest rebirth, and plan the next. To opt out, place your current thumbprint here.

A fresh body! Summer’s best feature. A reunion with your undergrad skin, liver, and smile. And the return of your abs–or your first meeting. As you celebrate (we recommend Ocho Rios), other details can slip. Insurance. Vaccination. Your cadaver. What should you do with the old you?

After all, a decomposing shell throws off any home’s vibes. At the very least, embalm or freeze it while you think. A well-preserved shell’s slightly better Feng Shui, and buys you time. It’d be nice if shells smiled, but that’s a Diamond feature.

Diamond members also enjoy our Exchange program, where each trade-in earns four points toward a free visit. Diamond pays for itself in only four copies! But saving’s not for everyone. As a Gold, Gold-Plus, or Pyrite member, we still value your comfort. We’ve collected creative uses for old shells that we think you’ll love. If you don’t, there’s always Diamond.

Naturally, old shells have prank potential. Start with the classic basic-and-switch: leave your shell on the couch, and then jump out from behind. Classic. Your friends will remember it for a long time. You might even spark a classic prank war! Nothing’s funnier than starting a road trip and noticing your passenger isn’t just napping. Staging a mishap has never been easier. While we keep your body young, jokes keep your inner child alive.

Burnt out at work? Slip a shell into your seat and take a personal day. Headphones and an open spreadsheet can go unquestioned for hours. Days, if you rotate the outfit. When—or if—you return, look around closely. The number of “present” coworkers may surprise you.

Too cavalier? Prefer to keep yourself to yourself? Stay in and test outfits. You have the ultimate mannequin! Who needs a mirror when there’s another, poseable you? Well-dressed doubles also make natural decorations. Preserve multiple shells, and you’ll have a one-man fashion show. And if you decide to show pranks a little love, you can always jump out from the lineup.

Décor isn’t just for fashion victims: shells lend holidays new life. On Halloween, a lifeless double is worth its weight in gold. You can appear twice on Christmas cards without touching a filter. Or take daring Fourth of July photos and keep your hands. If you’re not entertaining, even better. Your shell can take the empty seat across table, sparing you Thanksgiving alone.

Distract lonely pets. Ditch iffy dates. Hold your spot in line. Pose for a painting. Do your own stunts. Keep Grandpa company. Never miss a meeting. The options are endless! With one exception.

Romance may seem appealing. You’re a looker! But we urge you to reconsider. No judgment–Karma is proudly non-denominational and committed to privacy. In fact, our incorporation in Liberia averts certain external pressures. We simply have thirty years of customer feedback. Self-love’s a consistent disaster.

Over 99.3% of users that romanced their shells report immediate and extreme distress. It’s a psychological third rail. Top survey keywords include “harrowing” and “severely harrowing.” Reports remained consistent across age, sex, orientation, faith, region, and criminal history. If you love yourself, beware loving yourself.

Of course, it’s your property. You might be in the lucky 0.7% of users to select “okay” or “addictive.” Both rates doubled for Diamond members, who enjoy specialist options. Press here for details. Pricing and regional legality may vary.

From April Fool’s Day to Valentine’s Day, you can build fond memories with your shell. Highlights we’ll gladly copy to your next brain. Karma’s the only legal clinic to retain over 85% of member memories per transfer. Ducking nasty questions about Theseus, for most. Some still fret over authenticity. Let’s talk about it.

Are you the same person? Broadly, we think so. But with Diamond membership, you’ll know. We surgically insert Diamond brains into fresh bodies, ducking all the Philosophy 201 quibbles that come with a new brain. Unless, of course, you want a new brain. Your needs come first, whether you’re the original or not.

Thanks for your time. As new problems replace death, we’ve got your back. Next month: picking new tattoos!

Sincerely,

Your Friends at Karma

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Another round of asylum comedy. Thanks for reading, as always. Your attention is the sliver of joy that keeps me from cashing out as Candace Owens 2.0.

If you like this mode, you might enjoy my first book, Everything Abridged. Or my next one, How to Dodge a Cannonball. No link for that one yet, but it’ll be fun.